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Apr 16, 2023
Death. Unavoidable truth of life. Everyone is afraid of it and tries to find a way to run away from it. It creates fear and negativity. But I have found that it’s a great teacher. Tony Robins says, “ You start living a life when you experience a death” People who have experienced near-death experiences can tell how much it changed their perspective on life. Death teaches many important lessons in life. It not only means the end of life but also brings a new beginning. But it’s not an easy journey. It could take you to your deepest pain and force you to fight against your old beliefs, values, and yourself. The key is never to give up. The more you fight, the stronger you will come out on the other side. This is how I found my first gift—a Phoenix.
My journey started in August 2017. Before that, I had never paid much attention to life or the universe. It was just doing routine work, meeting friends, drinking beer, and repeating. There was no purpose in my life except I needed to make “more money” to live a comfortable and careless lifestyle. Now I look back and realize that I wasn’t happy internally and trying to find happiness in all outside things or people. It all came to a full stop in Aug 2017 when I got a severe allergic reaction from antibiotics. I developed the rarest rest reaction to medication which is called SJS/TEN. (Try not to google it when you are eating or drinking) . A simple way to put it, it corrupts your immune system and which starts burning your outer skin, and it also affects your internal organs. The chances of survival are very low, and it’s painful.
After taking the first dose of antibiotics, it took less than a week to find me in ICU, with the condition worsening daily. It started on my back, but it consumed every inch of my body within a week. My entire body was in pain, like it was on fire. The hospital gave me dosages of morphine, but it didn’t do much. The reaction spread inside my mouth, nose, and throat, causing me not able to breathe or eat normally. I was told that there was a high chance that my airways could get blocked or I would get blind. I can see more blisters on me every couple of hours. To make things more “interesting,” it was peak hurricane season in Florida as we were under a hurricane warning. Powerful hurricane Irma was on its way to Florida. Entire Florida was under its path. The hospital and most of Florida went on lockdown the day after I got admitted, which meant I could not be transferred to another hospital with treatment for SJS/ TENS until the hurricane passed.
All this time, my pain was getting worst. Finally, after almost weeklong excruciating pain and with no hope to move to any other hospital ( due to hurricane aftermath), there was one day when my mind gave up all hope and just surrendered. I knew I was not getting out alive from that ICU room. In my mind, it was over, and it stopped struggling. I accepted my fate, and I was ready for the end.
But it was just a beginning of a journey that would change my life forever. It took a few more days before I got moved to another hospital and finally received much-needed treatment. Slowly my immune system returned to normal, and my body started healing. I don’t remember much pain as my mind stopped registering it after it gave up. I lost 20-30 lbs in just 2-3 weeks, and my entire body is now covered with burn scars. Physically, it started healing, and after 2-3 months of complete home rest, I was allowed to get out of the house and create a “routine” life. And I think that is when I realized something is now the same. I tried to do things I used to be for the hospital, and while it was a relief to get back, I just didn’t feel myself. I felt so much anger, irritation, and frustration inside myself. I struggled daily to live the life I used to know and enjoy. Even I could not recognize this new me. Many of my friends started avoiding me as I was just an annoyed person. I almost lost my job. I had to back to Dr just to realize that they were all symptoms of PTSD.
Every day it was a fight between the old and new me. Physically I was pain-free, but internally my pain was just getting worst. I was feeling deep depression and high anxiety every moment of my life. I wanted to return to my previous life, but my mind kept fighting against it. The more I fight, the more painful it becomes. Sometimes I couldn’t take the pain, so I contemplated ending my life. Thanks to my amazing friends, who never let me cross that barrier.
During all that time, there was only one thing that always calmed me down. It was my camera. It was a time when I was taking some photos and getting lost in what was around me. It was the only time when there was just one of me—a new me who appreciates life by being in the present moment. There is no pain, just simply gratitude for enjoying the universe. The more I focused on the feeling of being in the present slowly stopped my internal fight
I started looking at everything differently. There was more gratitude than anger or frustration. I know there was still a long way to go, but I started feeling more happier by myself. I slowly started realizing that all these changes inside me happened due to one event. It was my near-death experience. There was so much I am learning daily, and it won’t have happened if I had not touched death. I thought my experience with death made me weaker for some time, but I realized I was wrong. It was a tough internal fight, but it was much needed. It made me stronger. The universe has shown me my strength by showing me the venerability of life. It literally burns me to ashes but just comes out and flies high, just like Phoenix.
It was my first gift- Phoenix. My Strength.
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